#463 – “grist”

“grist”

 

it all seems

so meaningless

life’s bewildering

clatter

the unending

struggle

to somehow

matter

is this what

I’m here for

to simply

exist

beneath

these dreams

God gave

like some painful grist

I’ve helped raise

His children

suffered

His trials

walked

many nights

and many

dark miles

to be here

wondering

what I should

do

if my dreams

are just dreams

that will never

come true?

 

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Posted in Depression, Dreams, Failure, Feeling Lost, God, Life, Reality, Self-Worth | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

#462 – “the death of dreams”

“the death of dreams”

 

they say

my dreams

won’t come true

that I should

leave them

with the night

let them dissipate

inside the heaviness

of morning

light

where the joy

of lofty thinking

struggles

for breath

then curls

beneath

inaction

until swept

away

by death

 

Posted in Anguish, Art, Artists, Depression, Dreams | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

#461 – “waning breath”

“waning breath”

 

I fail

 in what’s been

an unending succession

of inaction

procrastination

fear

and regret

I am nothing

without dreams

but

waning breath

each day

a little closer

to a troubled

death

 

 

Posted in Anguish, Courage, Cowardice, Depression, Dreams, Failure, Fear, Regret, Self-Worth | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

#460 – 1 haiku

1 haiku

 

more dead in our schools

those left, now soldiers fighting

just to live their lives

 

Posted in America, Children, Death, School, School Shootings, Violence | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

#459 – “secrets to save”

“secrets to save”

 

I want this pain

to stop

this panic

to allay

this sinking 

to end

this crushing guilt

to go away

I want to drink

until I’m perfect

until I’m healthy

and brave

drink until I’m honest

with no secrets

to save

I want to drink

until I’m loveable

drink until I’m smart

drink until my insecurities

are all blown

apart

but what would happen

is this

with no doubt

in my mind

I would drink myself

to drunkenness

and leave all hope

behind

 

 

 

Posted in Addict Behavior, Addiction, alcoholism, Anguish, Courage, Cowardice, Depression, Despair, Dishonesty, Fear, Guilt, Honesty, Marriage, Pain, Poetry, Reality, Self Esteem, Self-Destructive, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Hatred, Sobriety | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

#458 – 4 haiku

4 haiku

 

 

it tears so slowly

excruciating, deep; the

dull knife of silence

 

 

 

hard awakening

my own well being crushed by

another’s dis-ease

 

 

 

the air; thick, tangled

words knotted up, emotions

choking us like smoke

 

 

 

I pray for myself

feel wrong, unworthy; I pray

for myself again

 

 

Posted in Addict Behavior, alcoholism, Change, Changes, Co-dependence, esteem, Growth, Guilt, Haiku, Healing, Hope, Life, Marriage, Pain, Poetry, Prayer, Praying, Self Esteem, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Worth, Sobriety | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

#457 – “sticks and mud”

“sticks and mud”

 

what work is this

to toil the mind

dig through emotions

and memories intertwined

looking for something

I can’t seem to find

 

what kind of labor

searching through thought

wading through battles

and wars I’ve fought

for anything at all

that has not come to naught

 

what drudgery

to crawl through my own sticks and mud

trying to escape

depression’s great flood

without going insane

or drawing blood

 

Posted in Addict Behavior, Anguish, Anxiety, Depression, Poetry, Worthlessness, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

#456 – “ragged weeds”

“ragged weeds”

 

I am not good

I fall short

of both truth

and light,

but rather

walk

with heavy clouds

beneath

a dark

rain

instead

 

hiding

in the shadows

of quiet omission

where muted spaces

grow

ragged weeds

of loneliness

and rip

through our comfort

until our laughter

is dead

 

Posted in Addict Behavior, Anxiety, Cowardice, Depression, disappointment, Failure, Marriage, Poetry, Worthlessness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

#455 – “parade”

“parade”

 

here it comes

without

you

like some

hurtful

parade

 

where

childless mothers

and motherless children

walk

with raw hearts

unmade

 

filled all at once

with sorrow

and love

and longing

interwoven

like thread

 

as they march

a heartbreaking

Mother’s Day

with the ghosts

of their precious

dead

 

 

Posted in Brother, Children, Death, Family, Grieving, Life, Mother, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

#454 – “in the palm of history”

“in the palm of history”

 

 

I sit

on their shoulders

 

in the palm

of history

 

making my way

through liberties

I take

as my own

without question

or fear

or cast down

eyes

 

I breathe deeply

the choices

and freedoms

I have

 

face forward

 

walk straight

with my head

thrown back

 

grounded

on a path

smoothed

with blood

and bones

and graves

that are marked

with no crosses

or stones

 

 

Posted in America, Civil Rights, Country, Courage, Freedom, Gratitude, Human Rights, Poetry, Racism, Slavery, U.S. History | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment