#238 of 365 – 4 Haiku – a hodgepodge

4 Haiku – a hodgepodge

 

 

lungs saturated

air surreal, hungry with life

the smell after rain

 

 

woman, hair uncombed

begs outside the liquor store

her baby, crying

 

 

more balloons, stuffed bears

so sad to drive by knowing

that’s where she last stood

 

 

“booze”

drinks so refreshing

full of freedom and good times

till I remembered

 

 

 

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About Blackbird

Poet, sculptor, writer, spouse, parent, crazy person - not necessarily in that order.
This entry was posted in alcoholism, Haiku, Poetry, Rain, Recovery and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to #238 of 365 – 4 Haiku – a hodgepodge

  1. pi314chron says:

    Much to admire in these except for the third one. Perhaps “another child dead” could be expressed in a less blunt way…let the reader figure out that there is a dead child or baby involved without explicitly stating it. Examples: the child was so young; slipped away at birth; child’s first shoes still new. That sort of idea. Just my nickel’s worth. The second one is just perfect!

    • Blackbird says:

      See how the change strikes you. 🙂 I thought the same thing but couldn’t figure it out at the time.

      • pi314chron says:

        The “tied up to a pole” may not give the reader ENOUGH information to know that a child has died. For example, maybe the balloons and streamers are birthday party decorations. Think the idea of a child’s death can be hinted at a little more strongly but without coming out and actually stating it.

        black balloons tied
        to the child’s playhouse —
        so soon…so soon

        This one seems to me to have the right feeling, emotion etc.
        Just think of the idea of the loss of a child and find IMAGES that suggest that loss.

        Mine above is just an idea. I’m not suggesting it’s wonderful, just illustrating a possibility. Good luck, Hon!

      • Blackbird says:

        Thanks Ron! Work in progress…still trying. Let me know what you think of the latest change.

  2. Starralee says:

    This is the first time I’ve been confused–and I’m not sure if it was because I read the comments.

  3. Blackbird says:

    Hey Starralee…I changed the haiku Ron was referring to…so I can understand your confusion. And I’ve added a title to the last haiku. Anyway…getting harder and harder to keep going…but I’m really trying to make it to 365 days…without writing crappy poetry.

  4. pi314chron says:

    more balloons, stuffed bears —
    passersby stop…silent
    where she last stood

    • Blackbird says:

      Oh well…gotta give this one to you. Your version is beautiful and shows your years of haiku experience. I’ll have to chalk this one up as a learning experience…as is everything I suppose.

      • pi314chron says:

        You are very sweet in what you said, and I graciously accept. Really, I only changed one line and that was to get the people out of their cars so they weren’t just whizzing by almost casually. I wanted them to STOP and reflect SILENTLY on the transience of life. We all need to do that. That is a “learning experience” everyone needs to make a part of their lives. 😛

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